I saw the other author from afar. Sure, conference attendees were blocking her, but I knew it was her, so I approached to say ‘Hi’.
Sitting down right next to her, I smiled. She stared back tentatively. I waited for her to recognize me (we are after all in a similar circle with similar friends). Yet, her face was blank.
“Hey there, it’s so great to see you,” I proclaimed. She muttered back a one-word answer.
Perplexed, I asked her, “Hey ___, don’t you know me? I’m Kelly Balarie. I am an author too.”
She answered, “Nope, I don’t know you. I’ve never heard your name.”
She what?!!! Bricks hit my chest. My chest hit the floor. I sat like an exposed duck full of embarrassment.
What a fool I am to think I’d be “known”.
I’m so full of pride. I should have known better to think someone would “know my name”.
It was so arrogant of me pre-suppose I’d be recognized.
Here, it was as if every childhood diss hit me afresh. Me – the girl sitting alone on the curb at recess. Me – the one made fun of because of my big nose. Me – the one the cool girls walked away from. Kelly? Huh? Who is she? We don’t know her name.
I want to blame all them. As if they’re the reason I want to be wanted and I need to be needed.
They’re why I cry out for attention.
But are they?
Growing up, I was the oldest of six kids, a mom on some days, a daytime babysitter on others, a back-up disciplinarian, a school-supply checker, a number amongst other important numbers…but, at the center of all this – I always wanted to be seen, known, wanted, valuable.
Is this wrong?
To want to be wanted? Do you feel this way too? Perhaps you want your husband to talk to you more. Perhaps you want that boss to finally give you the promotion you deserve. Or you want to be recognized for the friend you really are. Or as the sister who is super patient and forgiving
I don’t think God hates our desire to be seen, as much as we detach from it and call it “icky pride”. I don’t think He’s as embarrassed by our desire to be wanted as we are. I don’t think He shames us because we want to be known.
Because God fulfills each and every one of these desires – in us.
The question is are we looking to Him or to man for this infilling?
For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ. (Gal. 1:10)
7 Truths that Show How Much God Sees & Knows You:
God “Knows the plans He has for us.” (Jer. 29:11)
He calls us “children of God; and so we are.” (1 Jo. 3:1)
He creates us as His “worksmanship”, a beautiful work reflecting His glory. (Eph. 2:10)
God looks at us and sees Christ in us. (Ro. 8:10)
God wants us; He gave his most precious possession for us. (Jo. 3:16)
Our names are written on the palm of His hands, our hairs are counted and our words are known before they’re even spoken. (Is. 49:16, Lu. 12:7, Ps. 139:4)
He loves us first – before ever loved Him. (1 Jo. 4:19)
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