I saw the other author from afar. Sure, conference attendees were blocking her, but I knew it was her, so I approached to say ‘Hi’.
Sitting down right next to her, I smiled. She stared back tentatively. I waited for her to recognize me (we are after all in a similar circle with similar friends). Yet, her face was blank.
“Hey there, it’s so great to see you,” I proclaimed. She muttered back a one-word answer.
Perplexed, I asked her, “Hey ___, don’t you know me? I’m Kelly Balarie. I am an author too.”
She answered, “Nope, I don’t know you. I’ve never heard your name.”
She what?!!! Bricks hit my chest. My chest hit the floor. I sat like an exposed duck full of embarrassment.
I’m unknown.
I’m unwanted.
I’m unseen.
What a fool I am to think I’d be “known”.
I’m so full of pride. I should have known better to think someone would “know my name”.
It was so arrogant of me pre-suppose I’d be recognized.
Here, it was as if every childhood diss hit me afresh. Me – the girl sitting alone on the curb at recess. Me – the one made fun of because of my big nose. Me – the one the cool girls walked away from. Kelly? Huh? Who is she? We don’t know her name.
I want to blame all them. As if they’re the reason I want to be wanted and I need to be needed.
They’re why I cry out for attention.
But are they?
Growing up, I was the oldest of six kids, a mom on some days, a daytime babysitter on others, a back-up disciplinarian, a school-supply checker, a number amongst other important numbers…but, at the center of all this – I always wanted to be seen, known, wanted, valuable.
Is this wrong?
To want to be wanted? Do you feel this way too? Perhaps you want your husband to talk to you more. Perhaps you want that boss to finally give you the promotion you deserve. Or you want to be recognized for the friend you really are. Or as the sister who is super patient and forgiving
I don’t think God hates our desire to be seen, as much as we detach from it and call it “icky pride”. I don’t think He’s as embarrassed by our desire to be wanted as we are. I don’t think He shames us because we want to be known.
Because God fulfills each and every one of these desires – in us.
The question is are we looking to Him or to man for this infilling?
For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ. (Gal. 1:10)
7 Truths that Show How Much God Sees & Knows You:
God “Knows the plans He has for us.” (Jer. 29:11)
He calls us “children of God; and so we are.” (1 Jo. 3:1)
He creates us as His “worksmanship”, a beautiful work reflecting His glory. (Eph. 2:10)
God looks at us and sees Christ in us. (Ro. 8:10)
God wants us; He gave his most precious possession for us. (Jo. 3:16)
Our names are written on the palm of His hands, our hairs are counted and our words are known before they’re even spoken. (Is. 49:16, Lu. 12:7, Ps. 139:4)
He loves us first – before ever loved Him. (1 Jo. 4:19)
Do you feel alone? Disappointed? Are you struggling? It is not too late to get the Journey Together All Access Pass, full of 40+ how-to videos from authors and women’s ministers – click here for more information: www.journeytogethersummit.com
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Thanks for sharing this story, Kelly. God cannot use us fully until our pride is in its proper place. He wants us to take pride in serving Him. It is a fine line in remembering it is He who has blessed us with the talents, gifts, and abilities to glorify Him. I am beyond thankful that God has given the opportunity to write about al He has done in my life. It’s my prayer that hearts draw closer to Him, and He is glorified.
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to those feelings of rejection. I love the 7 scriptural truths!
Kelly,
Because of my life experiences, I struggle with the same feelings of wanting to be heard and loved. Thanks again for honestly sharing.
Much love,
Sherry Stahl
xoxo
It hits us when we least expect, and those old childhood wounds require first aid once again. It seems this longing to be seen and known is a continual area of growth for me also, and I love that you point us to the One who fulfills these desires in us without shaming or blaming us.
Mini-school night at my daughter’s middle school brought all those insecurities rushing back. The scriptures you shared are balm for my soul. laurensparks.net
You hit the nail on the head! We have to see ourselves through the eyes of God…that is Truth. As soon as we begin to view ourselves through the eyes of others or even our own underestimation of our value we are led astray. I wrote about a similar topic this week on crushing insecurity… http://sunshynegray.com/how-to-stop-being-insecure/
I especially loved the Scriptures you chose to share for encouragement. Sharing this on my social media pages:)
I have a loved one who is currently struggling with insecurity and isolation. This blog is a great resource. Bless you.
I was an only child, but I still wanted approval. We all do. I don’t think it is pride if your are proud of what He has done for and through you and He gets the glory.
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I can totally relate – oldest of 6 also, different by dads and gender (I’m the only girl). Introverted, would rather sit alone than risk butting in with others and risking rejection. And I had no real relationship with my bio-father. Then I had three step-dads. But one absent bio-dad plus three step-dads could never equal one whole daddy. So I never got affirmation and support from a father the way a girl needs. (I notice every time fathers hug their daughters or say they’re proud of them or pick up their young daughter and put her on his shoulders.) And my mom and I have a complicated, sparse relationship. And I have almost no relationship with my brothers because of the very messy divorce between our mom and their dad. All my life, I feel like I’ve been screaming “NOTICE ME. HEAR ME. KNOW ME.” But in my own very quiet, introverted, keep-your-chin-up kind of way. And yet, I feel so unknown, so overlooked in so many ways. But I am just so thankful that God has promised to fix all things in the end, that someday we will be known and cherished fully. And I can wait till then … because God is good and He works it out for good! God bless you!
I think we all want to be known and loved to some degree. Great words of wisdom.