Post By: Jami Amerine
The truth was, everything being divulged was an outright lie.
My stomach churned.
My gut cramped.
A burning sensation rose in my throat, beads of sweat pooled on my forehead as I willed bile back down.
Nausea swirled about me as if intentionally together, we spun miserably about a ballroom…naked.
I was hurt to my core.
Utterly undone, the feedback stung my ears. The story being relayed to me, a story this person heard from my friend… my Christian friend was a lie.
I managed to behave as though the incident were laughable. I changed the subject and then explained I had to be on my way.
The informant substituted concern, “I just knew you would want to hear it from me instead of someone else, don’t worry, I won’t repeat it.”
I tried not to guffaw audibly. She’d already repeated it to four or five others, who I knew – knew, and now I knew they knew for sure because of their delicate treatment of me just hours before… I knew for sure.
I knew better than to trust… but, still was this really my fault? Really? Was I, the victim of a malicious lie, by someone I counted a friend, the one to blame?
Certainly, I felt like a fool. Alone in my car, I wept… er, well… snot flinging hysterically wailed. I was humiliated. I checked the date. Indeed, 2016… the circumstances had me briefly fooled to believe it was in fact 1986 and the last day of junior high.
Okay, I am a creative gal. I plotted my nemesis’ demise.
I pulled through Starbucks and ordered something hot and decadent. I knew stuff about this wretched “friend.” An eye for and eye I thought. And the tales I would tell would be the truth.
Why did she make up such a terrible story about me?
What made her feel the need to betray me?
I plotted and toiled.
I pulled my car into an empty place at the park, pulled my sweater from the back seat, grabbed my magic Java and decided to walk. I had about 45 minutes until the afternoon rush. I wanted to empty my head and pray.
The crisp March air borrowed only hints of warmer days to come. I walked slowly and observed little buds forming on the trees. Soon they’d expose entire blooms, for now there was only the hope that a late freeze wouldn’t destroy the mystic.
Tears nipped my eyes again.
Part of me wanted confrontation, the other part of me wanted to disappear.
I stopped and sat down on a bench and prayed.
“I am so hurt. So, embarrassed. So, angry. What should I do?”
There was no audible answer. And I didn’t want to rehash the story to my husband or tell it to another friend. I knew it was wrong, I didn’t need that affirmation.
Somewhere on the breeze, I heard my answer.
I inhaled deeply and prayed a prayer that was not my own.
“Jesus, show me what you see.”
Suddenly, I was bowled over with compassion. Immediately my lungs filled without ache. Instantly I felt a rush of love and understanding.
I saw what He saw.
Tears bubbled up again, but I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t even sad. I was flooded with a wisdom that what I thought was a friendship was not. I came to terms with that undoing in a supernatural way. However, I didn’t believe this betrayer to be my enemy either?
I knew the truth.
My God knew the truth. He loved her, and He wanted better things for her than juvenile lies that hurt me. He was altogether for me… and yes, for her. For her, He wanted her to live in the freedom of His abundance. She was trying to make things happen, a busy-ness I was once a party to. And as I sat and sipped my Mocha, He sat with me and offered me comfort and ask me to pray… and to let this one go.
I agreed, I would.
Sporadically, over the next couple months, the hurt would sneak up on me. There was no way she didn’t know I knew. It was awkward, but I was obedient to the agreement. I let it go. On occasion, it came up with a group of friends, I quickly changed the subject. And it is not as if I am better than, I am just His. I want what He wants and He wants restoration, peace, joy, and life abundant.
This scenario is not always the answer, but in this incident, I was in perfect sync with what Jesus wanted for this person and me. Letting Jesus be Jesus was the most healing medicine for my hurt. Later that summer she and her family moved and I have never seen or heard from her again. Yet I feel no lack of closure. I need not retribution or malice. I want God’s will and His will is always Jesus.
Since that day in the park, my chosen prayer is simply, “Jesus, show me what you see…” And I close my eyes and wait.
For there is nothing hidden that not be disclosed and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Luke 8:17
Jami Amerine is a wife, and mother to anywhere from 6-8 children. Jami and her husband Justin are active foster parents and advocates for foster care and adoption. Jami’s Sacred Ground Sticky Floors is fun, inspirational, and filled with utter lunacy with a dash of hope. Jami holds a degree in Family and Consumer Sciences (yes Home Ec.) and can cook you just about anything, but don’t ask her to sew. She also holds a Masters Degree in Education, Counseling, and Human Development. Her blog includes topics on marriage, children, babies, toddlers, learning disabilities, tweens, teens, college kids, adoption, foster care, Jesus, homeschooling, unschooling, dieting, not dieting, dieting again, chronic illness, stupid people, food allergies, and all things real life. You can find her blog at Sacred Ground Sticky Floors, follow her onFacebook or Twitter.