When I saw on Facebook that it was her birthday, my heart jumped out of my chest. I was so excited to celebrate her, to love her, to pray for her, and to give to her. I knew I had to honor her; it required a change in my morning plans to get her a gift!
I rerouted my car, drove to a boutique, and selected something perfect. I got in my car and, when I got to her house, I ran the package up to her porch like a giddy little dog! I placed it in a perfect position. Afterwards, I texted her celebratory words, letting her know about my love, the gift, and my willingness to set up a birthday dinner on her behalf. I was way excited. I prayed for her all year! I was giving her my very best!
When I got home, I jumped into mom duties, joyfully. Soon after, though, I escaped to Facebook, just for a moment. Then, I saw it…
A picture of this friend, with her friends…without me.
The birthday balloons next to the table.
The smiling faces.
The subscript birthday post, celebrating her.
The happiness happening, without me.
The fact that I was — not invited.
My heart thumped nearly audibly. I cried.
At the same time, my insides spoke up, “Kelly, you are such a fool, running up there to her front porch all giddy and happy! You are such a fool to think she was your friend. You are like a stray dog that no one wants. Look at you!”
The worst part of it all is that (I think) she pulled her car into her driveway at the exact moment I ran up to her porch like a lapdog. Ick.
I cried again. I’m such a fool for thinking she was actually my good friend. She was not.
I cried throughout the day. I had done so much for her behind closed doors. Now, I felt embarrassed, openly.
Until God surfaced a question in me that hit like a hammer, “Kelly, did you love her — for her, or did you love her — for Me?”
The question cut deep…
If I love her — for her, I expect things from her. I expect she will do something, she will recognize me, she will value me or she will acknowledge me. However, if I love her for Him, unto Him, because of Him, My God, then I love without strings attached.
“Umm…” God was bringing up a good point.
People spat at Jesus (Mt. 26:67), struck Him (Mt. 26:67), name-called Him, taunted Him, misunderstood Him, did not invite Him, questioned Him, and He still died for them anyway…gave to them even so…
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (Jo. 3:16)
Do I love them to get from them or do I love them to love Him? That was the question — and heart — God was really after…
I am not a fool for loving her, I am a fool who is in love with Him. I felt the shame leave and a need to consider things more deeply arise…
Many times, I say I do something for God, but I wonder — do I really do it for me? So, people love me?
I am glad this lady didn’t invite me, because God invited me to something deeper, to something stronger: He invited me to learn what wholehearted, love-like-Jesus love, really is.
And, while I bless her, and will continue to pray God’s very best for her, I now let go and see who else God might have me to walk with. Where there is grace, there is greater ease. I will look for the relationships God has graced, knowing that God has other great friends for me.
He has great friends for you, too.
Prayer: Father, help me to love as You love. Help me to love without strings attached, without pressures added on to people, and without needing to feed my own flesh. Help me to love honestly, truly, and deeply because You have loved me this way. Give me power to be selfless in friendship and honoring to You within me. Teach me to discern the difference between acquaintances and true friends. Teach me to understand how You want me to love others or how You might want me to step back. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
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