Tag - friendship

When A Friend Ditches You

August 22, 2024

When I saw on Facebook that it was her birthday, my heart jumped out of my chest. I was so excited to celebrate her, to love her, to pray for her, and to give to her. I knew I had to honor her; it required a change in my morning plans to get her a gift!

I rerouted my car, drove to a boutique, and selected something perfect. I got in my car and, when I got to her house, I ran the package up to her porch like a giddy little dog! I placed it in a perfect position. Afterwards, I texted her celebratory words, letting her know about my love, the gift, and my willingness to set up a birthday dinner on her behalf. I was way excited. I prayed for her all year! I was giving her my very best!

When I got home, I jumped into mom duties, joyfully. Soon after, though, I escaped to Facebook, just for a moment. Then, I saw it…

A picture of this friend, with her friends…without me.
The birthday balloons next to the table.
The smiling faces.
The subscript birthday post, celebrating her.
The happiness happening, without me.
The fact that I was — not invited.

My heart thumped nearly audibly. I cried.

At the same time, my insides spoke up, “Kelly, you are such a fool, running up there to her front porch all giddy and happy! You are such a fool to think she was your friend. You are like a stray dog that no one wants. Look at you!”

The worst part of it all is that (I think) she pulled her car into her driveway at the exact moment I ran up to her porch like a lapdog. Ick.

I cried again. I’m such a fool for thinking she was actually my good friend. She was not.

I cried throughout the day. I had done so much for her behind closed doors. Now, I felt embarrassed, openly.

Until God surfaced a question in me that hit like a hammer, “Kelly, did you love her — for her, or did you love her — for Me?”

The question cut deep…

If I love her — for her, I expect things from her. I expect she will do something, she will recognize me, she will value me or she will acknowledge me. However, if I love her for Him, unto Him, because of Him, My God, then I love without strings attached.

“Umm…” God was bringing up a good point.

People spat at Jesus (Mt. 26:67), struck Him (Mt. 26:67), name-called Him, taunted Him, misunderstood Him, did not invite Him, questioned Him, and He still died for them anyway…gave to them even so…

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (Jo. 3:16)

Do I love them to get from them or do I love them to love Him? That was the question — and heart — God was really after…

I am not a fool for loving her, I am a fool who is in love with Him. I felt the shame leave and a need to consider things more deeply arise…

Many times, I say I do something for God, but I wonder — do I really do it for me? So, people love me?

I am glad this lady didn’t invite me, because God invited me to something deeper, to something stronger: He invited me to learn what wholehearted, love-like-Jesus love, really is.

And, while I bless her, and will continue to pray God’s very best for her, I now let go and see who else God might have me to walk with. Where there is grace, there is greater ease. I will look for the relationships God has graced, knowing that God has other great friends for me.

He has great friends for you, too.

Prayer: Father, help me to love as You love. Help me to love without strings attached, without pressures added on to people, and without needing to feed my own flesh. Help me to love honestly, truly, and deeply because You have loved me this way. Give me power to be selfless in friendship and honoring to You within me. Teach me to discern the difference between acquaintances and true friends. Teach me to understand how You want me to love others or how You might want me to step back. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

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“No Strings Attached”

January 25, 2018

purposefulfaith

Contentment, faith, grace, Love & Health

4 Comments

We’ve moved across state and country lines three times over the past six years, and with each move I’ve dreaded the exhaustion of making new friends. Women can be so nice and welcoming and awesome. And women can also be terrifying.

After our second major move, we began the search for a new church. We liked the idea of attending church in our own neighborhood, so we decided to visit the one across the street from our apartment complex.

It was a smaller church, with around forty people attending that day, and when the service was over, it took at least forty-five minutes to exit the building. People wanted to know where we were from and where we’d been and if we preferred the Chicago White Socks or the Cubs. Albeit tiring, I was glad these complete strangers were making an effort to get to know us.

And then someone took it to the next level.

A woman named Beth came up to me again and asked if my daughter and I would like to come over for a play date at her place sometime that week.

If my jaw didn’t physically drop right then and there, it hit the floor metaphorically. She had only met me ten minutes ago, yet she didn’t hesitate to welcome my child and I into her daily life.

I thought protocol was that you had to commit to a church before the people in that church would be willing to commit to you. And yet, Beth welcomed us in – no strings attached. Not worrying if our presence would mess up the groove of the friendships she had already established.

As the newbie in town, I was so grateful for the generous welcome God provided in what would eventually become our church home and the source of many life-giving friendships. And as the one feeling awkward and lonely, I was so grateful Beth didn’t let fear hold her back from both saying hello and, “Would you like to come over?”

May we all be the same beacon of welcome to the people in our everyday lives – to those in our homes, in our churches, and in our neighborhoods.

Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Romans 12:3

Prayer:

Lord, one of the greatest gifts that You gave us was the church. I pray that You will provide life-giving friendships for those of us who feel lonely. And I pray that You will help us recognize ways we can invite others into our daily lives – no strings attached. Amen.

About Kendra Broekhuis:

Kendra is the author of Here Goes Nothing: An Introvert’s Reckless Attempt to Love Her Neighbor. The book highlights her 30 Day journey to recognize the Lord’s “I love you’s” in her daily life, as well as her somewhat awkward attempts to be the Lord’s “I love you’s” to her neighbors. For her day job, Kendra stays home with two of their children, Jocelyn and Levi. She and her family live in Milwaukee. Kendra’s love language is Dove chocolate.

When To End a Friendship?

January 19, 2018

purposefulfaith

attack, birth, blessings, Contentment

2 Comments

When do you end a friendship?

This is both a hard question to ask, and perhaps, one we’ve all been confronted with. Are there times, reasons or seasons to pull away from a friend? And should we feel horribly guilty about it?

I stood facing exactly this type of decision only three weeks ago. I liked the girl, but she had been giving me far too much detailed advice about topics I never asked her input on. This annoyed me. It was as if she was rewriting my life with a pen I never handed her. It was as if she was telling me a list of things I should improve, but the hard part was she didn’t even know my story or what God was doing behind the scenes. She was quick to talk and slow to ask questions of understanding.

My finger was pointed at her. And my mind kept circling the thought, “Guard your heart. Create distance from her.”

This meant avoid her: Avoid confronting her. Avoid the problem and avoid dealing with the repercussions of having a real discussion.

But God bless my husband. He essentially told me, “Love has hard talks.”

It does? So I talked with her.

Which I’m so glad I did, because if I didn’t I never would have seen:

-How my wounds made me react quickly to her words.
-God had things for me to learn through this discussion.
-Her heart was in the right place.
-God has deeper healing for me.
-There are safe boundaries that can be set up.
-I am not always right.
-Communication about what works and what doesn’t is vital to any relationship.
-We both have good goals in mind.
-The enemy is sneaky and he loves to create division.

I am not perfect, and neither are my friends. I haven’t always been a good or an enduring friend but I am learning to give people the benefit of the doubt.

So to answer the question, “When do you end a friendship?” I don’t have all the exact answers and there are far too many nuances to explain in black ink…but I do know: you never ditch people like trash. That is for sure.

You talk and you tell. You love and love some more. You give and accept grace. You listen and you learn. You dive in and you uncover. You persist and listen to God’s direction.

You take the risk, even when you want to turn your back and walk away. Sure, there may be times God leads you to go a different path. But, before this point, you enter the difficult spaces and get real. You seek to understand.

Take a hard-learned lesson from me.

Prayer: God, I want to be a good friend. I want to be a person who is slow to anger, quick to listen, patient and kind. Grow me in this. Show me how to communicate well. In Jesus’ Name, I pray. Amen.

Kelly’s new book, Fear Fighting: Awakening Courage to Overcome Your Fears has been called “A must read,” “Breathtakingly honest” and a “Great Toolbox to Overcome Fear.” Read it today.

Discover how to flee from fear and fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.

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What it Looks Like to Be a Good Friend

September 13, 2017

purposefulfaith

Contentment

3 Comments

The checkout counter lady turned to me, right there next to my shopping cart and said, “Can I hug you?”

I wasn’t expecting it. I hadn’t done much to warrant it. I hadn’t ushered in world peace to the foundations of her life or dropped all my shopping goods to figure out her life plan or answered her every heart question. All I did was approach her in an authentic way.

When I came up to check out at Trader Joe’s (which I super-love, by the way!), she asked, “How’s your day? You sure bought a lot…” It was an understatement. My cart was so high the stuff was nearly toppling over on one side.

“I am trying to do a better job at taking care of the family. This is my attempt at it.”

She looked at the stuff and at me. Then she opened up about her stuff. I encouraged her and said a couple little things like, “I understand,” “I get that” and “It’s worth taking a risk. Risks you don’t regret, but regret, you do. ”

It wasn’t much. Not real brainiac stuff, but it was real. And this was the point, I suppose.

A couple days later, I met with another friend. She kind of shocked me when she did exactly the same. We were just hanging out and all of a sudden, she turned towards me, out of the blue, and hugged me. “Kelly, I’ve been through so much. It has just been one thing on top of another falling. Thank you for being here.”

I was taken aback.

Why are these people hugging me out of nowhere? I am doing nothing except being here with them.

With the checkout counter lady, I was with her as she talked about her future education, her fear and her boyfriend.

With my friend, I was with her as she explained how hard of a time it has been for her.

With.

Sometimes, the most impactful thing we can ever be is – with.

Not with – and giving advice.

Not with – and saying, “Oh you know, that once happened to me.”

Not with – and counting up what you’ll say next.

Not with – and thinking of other things.

Not with – and internally over their issues.

Just – with.

With…and understanding, feeling compassion, seeking to know, truly engaging, asking questions, responding generously, giving our true and painful story when led by God. Something I don’t do often, but I guess I did on those days.

The irony is that when you are with someone, you get touched back. God does it one way or another. People reach into your space and give you something you didn’t know you needed, but you desperately wanted. They cling to you and through authenticity, you realize you need them as much as they need you. They look at you in a way that lets you know your humility is shifting something in their life.

And one day, it’ll be you in their shoes – just needing to vent. It creates a security in your heart. Things will be okay.

“A friend loves at all times.” Prov. 17:17

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Beating Shame to The Ground

June 29, 2015

purposefulfaith

Comparing, Contentment, expectations, failure, grace

4 Comments

I took down the pillars of protection to share my heart – and she trampled it.
She said, you really need to get over that feeling, you have to fix that.

It was a “What’s wrong with you?” comeback, to an “I already feel terrible” confession.

It hurt.

Was she right that I needed to change? Of course.
But did it make me want to? No way.

It made me want to add more and more pillars so that no person, no way, no how could knock the walls of my heart down again.

But should I?

Does it benefit me to become just as wrapped up
as a present heading off to some distant land?

Wont this kind of approach keep me just that – distant?

I am tired of distance. I long for closeness. I long for unity. I long to see beyond name brands of clothes and schedules of kids and discussions on traffic. I long to know someone deeply, so deeply that they can speak in to my heart and that I may speak into theirs – empowered by God’s truth laser focused into deep needs.

I long for this and God does too. He tells me to be truthful.

But what do I do when the responses of others
want to shut me up as tight as a submarine in 800-foot waters?

Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment. Prov. 12:19

A moment is pretty much a waste – a momentary smile, a momentary cheer, a momentary friend.

I want what lasts, what counts, what heals, what works, what transforms. The answer is always Jesus. And Jesus was never so concerned with buttoning up his vest to hide that he missed all the opportunities to love.

Because of that, his love is always available to me…
As others batter me.
When the world comes against.
When I feel like running away.

His resurrection power awaits, when I feel body slammed to the ground of shamefulness.

Perhaps the greater lesson in sharing is learning that
my heart is not set on the ups-and-downs of others words,
but on the solid-rock of Christ.

Then I can follow through on God’s calling, which is to:

1. Encourage each other.
We feel most encouraged as we share and others see the real person God created us to be.
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thess. 5:11

2. Confess to one another.
Sharing is the starting point to confession.
Therefore confess your sins to each other… Ja. 5:16

3. Pray over healing.
You can’t heal what you don’t know about.
…pray for each other so that you may be healed. Ja. 5:16

To breathe in the power of God, we must exhale the truth of our heart. As our spiritual hunger surfaces, his healing, love and power will seep into our deepest reaching infections.

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. Mt. 7:6

Certainly, there is wisdom in this great unveiling. We share with those who understand the delicate nature of pearls. With people, who don’t reside in stinky places that want to make our stuff stink too.

May we have the wisdom to know the difference. May we see their dwelling places (trough or temple?), as we share the dwelling place of our heart.

We won’t always be protected from shame, but we will know God has us all the same.

And, perhaps we will see that:

The leap of spiritual growth is well worth the moment of vulnerable uncertainty and insanity.
Although we may feel naked, God sees us as we are – and loves us anyway.
Intimacy is the greatest way into the heart of God.

Deeper love. Deeper pursuit of God’s hole-filling abilities and a more powerful pursuit of Christ – this is all ours as we take down our pillars of protection to see through God’s eyes.

In a way – we can’t lose.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Gal 6:2

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Acts of Kindness Matter

April 8, 2015

purposefulfaith

faith, Love & Health, mercy, Obeying

17 Comments

There is power in the unseen acts of a friend.

Not so long ago, I had been delivered soul-crushing news.
News that gave me a new revelation of the past.
News that made me wonder if I was still good, worthy and valuable.

It made me see myself in a new light. It was I-don’t-know-if-I-can-handle-it type news.

I knew God says, “They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lam. 3:23)

But, did God really have faithfulness stored in this?

It seemed this news, this turmoil, and this trouble now excluded me from His promises.

Attempting to push past feelings, I called out to God with all my heart, saying, “Come Lord. Save me in this situation. Heal me and help me.”

Shockingly, as I drove up my driveway later that morning, something caught my eye. A white as snow gift-wrapped box leaned against my garage door.

I couldn’t find a name, but when I opened it and was awe-struck with its contents. What it contained inside changed my entire perspective.

It was as if the very heart of God was delivered to me in a box. It was as if a giant hug and a note of his faithfulness was sent.

Inside lay a picture frame with the words, “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Ex. 14:14)

These words were the exact message that I needed; they healed my heart and spoke to the depths of my pain. I was touched by God, but I was so deeply touched by the love poured out by a friend.

She had been used as an angel of God that day.
She never sought recognition or acclaim.
She had no idea of my pain, but did a nice act all the same.

What she probably doesn’t know is that this act meant all the difference. It changed my vision.

It wasn’t about her recognition or acclaim. She had no knowledge regarding my issue – but, all the same, she offered a gesture of love. Love that was sacrificial, that took her time, that used her money, but that healed a heart.

I was brought to my knees. I was touched. I felt so loved.

I don’t know who this woman is. I may never know. But, what I do know is that God has special rewards for her in heaven. I also know that she taught me a lesson in friendship that day.

She makes me wonder:

Do I go out of my way to make small acts of love?
Do I give my time and money intentionally?
Do I see the friend who is likely hurting?
Do I shower them with advice or do I love them under the radar?

This friend inspires me to love through the power of God. Because friends are often the messengers of God’s faithfulness. I want to deliver Jesus’ messages.

Small acts of kindness do matter and love does conquers all. Friends are the best vehicles for his love, mercy and grace. They drive his truth home in our hearts.

Small acts of kindness matter; they completely transform lives.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” – C.S. Lewis

“The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.” – C.S. Lewis

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