I sent her a text. I waited days for a response. Finally, a somewhat monotone sounding voice-text would come through, perhaps asking me a question. A month later, something similar would happen again. Two months after, I’d do it all over. Usually, an “I’m-sorry-I’m-busy” reply would show up from the recipient. The first time this happened, that kind of reply made sense. The fifth time? Not as much.
Overlooking offense, like an excited puppy, I kept ignoring her repeatable pattern. After all, I love this woman; I really do. I care for her a lot and have wonderful memories with her. So, I overlooked the fact that she kept pushing me off, that she was not honoring my time, and that she was often replying in a distant monotone voice. Add that to the fact that, after I listened to her message and quickly replied back with my own heart-wide-open response…
…I got no response back from her. Dead air. Silence.
That is hard. Why do I keep subjecting myself to this?
This morning I woke up with a question that hit like a brick: “What am I, a fool?”
To keep repeating the same cycles to one’s own injury is foolish. To keep subjecting oneself, like an indebted servant, to someone else’s passive-aggressiveness is foolish.
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” (Pr. 26:11)
Why do I keep partaking in the foolishness of winning this woman over when she’s making it clear as day that she’s not interested?
I’m like a fool returning to its idiotic folly. But, why? Why do I return? Why do I keep seeking to win over people who don’t want me?
During my prayer time, I sought the Lord. “God, why do I act like a fool, continually subjecting myself to repeated pain?”
I felt the answer come clear as day, “Kelly, you believe what they are doing is a proclamation or a reflection of who you are. You have to fix that, or else…”
I understood then and there that I feel I have to change them to feel good — about me. I have to win them over. I have to make them love me. I have to stick with them until I am worthy so I feel worthy. I have to make sure they see me as a something so I don’t have to feel like a nothing. I have to make sure they never treat me as impersonal or distant, lest I be unwanted.
Wow. When did I allow man’s words and actions to have more power than God’s Word and actions? When did I give man so much power over me? When did I lose the calling of God to make my mission to win over the affection of man?
Ick. Jesus didn’t do this.
Jesus went to the cross, despite man’s criticism of Him as the Son of God. He carried on with His mission despite the condemnation about how He healed on the Sabbath. Jesus remembered He was the Son of God, despite the name-calling He experienced. But, imagine? What if Jesus allowed other people’s actions to define Him? He likely would not have fulfilled HIs destiny — crucifixion, resurrection, and salvation for all the believers in the entire world. We cannot look at man! But, do we?
Have we given in to man’s words in such a way that we have subtly given up on God’s cause? Have we become a slave to winning people over more than trusting Jesus who won all freedom on the cross? Have we become a victim to a slave master who tells us we have to fix people in order to be loved or to be happy?
God gives us another way. It is:
Forget what they say!
Forget what they do!
People’s actions are no proclamation over you!
For it is God — who speaks over you!
You are wanted!
Chosen!
Called!
Forgiven.
Empowered by grace!
Equipped for every good work!
Valuable.
Wanted.
Loved.
Today is the line-in-the-sand day when we:
Forget all the foolishness! If that person doesn’t love you, want you or choose you — so what?! That’s not your issue, that’s their issue! God still loves you, wants you and chooses you.
Even more, He is lining up new relationships and new horizons that will speak volumes over those old hurts. Hope again. He has good things for you.
You are His special child. He cares so greatly for you that you don’t have to go chasing after people who keep hurting you.
Prayer: Father, I forgive those who keep hurting me. I also ask you to forgive me for serving and catering to man over you. Forgive me for making a mission out of trying to win people over. I release and surrender these people to you. I serve You and Your will first and foremost. I repent of subjecting myself to continual hurt when You haven’t called me to. I come under Your truth about me (I am loved, wanted, called, helped, not left as an orphan), more than I absorb other people’s words and actions as proclamations of my worth. I am loved and adored. Please help me to know this and help me to be more and more in love with You. May Your love fill every hole in my heart. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
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