Category - fear

When Fear Hit My Heart (+ An Invite from Kelly)

June 5, 2017

Has your heart ever been broken? Mine has – by a woman nonetheless…

I remember standing on a field so many years ago – new at an all-girls school where bonds from middle school past already seemed tightly formed.

Could I make my way here?

I gave it my best shot. I practiced with intensity, hit every ball with power and ran so hard I felt like I might faint. Near buckling at my knees, I didn’t care – every move was a silent message to this new world: I am impressive, beautiful and desirable.

My effort will make them love me. My worth here will prove me lovable. I will belong to this club – even if it kills me…

Sweaty, panting and constantly smiling, eventually I made headway with the girl with the constantly swinging brown ponytail. She was nice. I was happy. We continued talking.

We will be great friends – me and brown ponytail girl. I was certain of it.

But, that wouldn’t happen, I would come to find out. You see, blond ponytail girl – the real all-star leader of this pack, had other plans: plans to point a finger at me from afar, plans to whisper, plans to grab brown ponytail girl’s hand, plans to pull her away, and plans to crush me.

Brown ponytail girl no longer gave me the time of day.

So, I gave up and stopped trying.
I was cut from the team.
Then, I gave up on the school.
I left it the next year, taking home with me the lesson: Women hurt women. They are scary and always will be.

Have women also scarred you on the inside?

In that place where no one can see, but you can always feel? In a way that makes you fear being hurt again?

You are not alone with your scars, this I know. Women hurt women, but here is the amazing part: women, through Christ, also heal women. Our stories, our lessons, our insight, our biblical truths – they bring light and life.

There is power in the radical realization: we are not alone in our struggle.

This is, in part, why I started the Journey Together Summit. I believe, we women are better together than apart. We best fight fear, when we remind each other God is near. And, through vulnerability, we access new dependability on God.

Healing happens in comforting quiet with God, but it also happens in the common conversations with women.

Might you want to discover the freedom God has for you, through the courage- building stories of other women?

And find healing today? Join me and 34 author experts (including a couple New York Times Bestsellers) for The Journey Together Summit. It is a free online event (Starting TODAY, but viewable after today) where we chat openly and transparently about fear, worry and anxiety. There are topics for everyone, including: unmet expectations, an unfair life, shame from the past, uncertainty of the future, worry, anxiety, feeling like a bad mom, marriage, intimacy, work issues and so much more.

Can’t attend these dates? We have a way for you to access everything on your own timeline. Discover more.

Relationships restore. What might God have for you if you were to begin fighting fear at The Journey Together Summit?

About Kelly Balarie

Author and Speaker, Kelly Balarie didn’t always fight fear – for a large part of her life, she was controlled by it. Yet, in her book, Fear Fighting: Awakening Courage to Overcome Your Fears, with God, Kelly charts a new course. Join Kelly, on the journey to go and grow with Christ’s bravery, the Spirit’s counsel and God’s unending love that squelches fear. Get all Kelly’s blog posts by email or visit her on her blog, Purposeful Faith. You can also find a variety of resources for your fight against fear at http://www.fearfightingbook.com/. Don’t forget to take part in The Journey Together Summit.

4 Steps: Find Intimacy with God Again

May 26, 2017

purposefulfaith

Contentment, control, doubt, failure, faith, fear

2 Comments

When I haven’t made time for my husband, I get annoyed at the dishes left on the counter, I internally count the ways he’s forgetting stuff and I launch mean words. Distance creates more distance. It’s as if I see him through different eyes. It’s as if, he, the love of my life, I only kind of know. I rely on him less. I turn inward; I become self-reliant.

It happens just the same with God.

Consider Eve. The serpent came, lured her with something apparently better than intimacy. She bit off a hunk of it, hid, covered in shame and then heard God as a distant voice.

Sin distanced Eve, then Eve distanced herself.

How have you distanced God through guilt and shame laden choices? How are you choosing to distance yourself today?

Are you running, hiding, excusing, blaming, rationalizing, ignoring – the problem? No catastrophe has ever been diverted by ignoring it. But, you can overcome even the worst catastrophes with the help of the Overcomer.

The strategy of overcoming is simple: Come near to God and he will come near to you. Ja. 4:8

God calls us back. Here’s how to draw close again:

Return with confidence. All that exists at the throne of grace is grace; it pours out from him who is grace to us who need grace. We simply turn away from what kept us from God – and find Him.Therefore let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and find grace whenever we need help. (Heb. 4:16)2
Remember there is no barrier. While there used to be a high priest who could go near to the “Most Holy Place” one time a year, today, through the hope of Jesus Christ nothing holds us back.You (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God. (Heb. 7:19)
Reflect on the truth: Jesus is for you. The ultimate high priest lives to intercede for you. He is for you and working on your behalf.Therefore He is able to save completely those who come to God through him… he lives to intercede for them. (Heb. 7:25)
Respond with a sincere heart. You can be truthful because God is faithful. You can trust him to take care of you.Since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus…let us draw near with a sincere heart in the assurance that faith brings… (Heb. 10:19-22)

“The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18)

Kelly’s new book, Fear Fighting: Awakening Courage to Overcome Your Fears has been called “A must read,” “Breathtakingly honest” and a “Great Toolbox to Overcome Fear.” Read it today.

Discover how to flee from fear and fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.
Get all Purposeful Faith blog posts by email – click here.

How to Pray

May 24, 2017

purposefulfaith

awe, faith, fear

2 Comments

God, give me a nice house.
God, I want to see my kids improve at school.
God, make (insert name of annoying person) change.
God, make this opportunity happen.
God, open every door to me.
God, change my circumstances.
God, give me a vacation soon.

There is nothing wrong in the asking, but are we missing something?

What if our deepest need, we walk right past?

When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives,
that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. Ja. 4:3

I wonder, have you asked God for what you want? Like, what you really want? Have you sought him for your deep inner desires? Doing this – matters.

Jesus asked the blind man, Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mk. 10:51)

We are often blind too. We can’t easily see our spiritual needs. This is why asking ourselves this very question is critical to getting somewhere.

If Jesus was to come before you, this very day…if Jesus was too look you in the eye and ask what you wanted? What would you say?

Would you feel unworthy?
Would you shy away?
Would you make something up to look good?
Would you pretend you were 100% content?
Would you ask for something easy?

Or would you go, all out and unveil the deep and giant desires of your heart?

The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.” (Mk. 10:51)

There is safety in shallow prayers; we put a comfortable distance from an invasive God. We keep Him up there and us down here, without changing much. But, what if our greatest life change is just a word away?

“What do you want?”

Maybe, what we really want is this:
We want to know you love us, daddy.
We want to see you grow us out of our deep fear we’ll never be accepted by you.
We want to see you heal our need to always be right – or our body for that matter…
We want to have those deep scars from our past, gone.
We want so much of you, we actually find real and enduring peace.
We want you to make our life come alive with love that changes the world.

Prayer that works – is power. It’s radical. It’s honest, deep and willing to go to the risky places knowing God is there too. It’s full of faith.

It is coming before the throne, just like the 24 elders in Revelations…

“They lay their crowns before the throne and say: ‘You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.'” (Rev. 10:11)

It’s taking off your crown, your need to be right, your need to be exalted, your need for the urgent, your demands, your pride, your ways…

…and seeing Him, in glory, power and honor.

It makes you act differently. It changes us.

Kelly’s new book, Fear Fighting: Awakening Courage to Overcome Your Fears has been called “A must read,” “Breathtakingly honest” and a “Great Toolbox to Overcome Fear.”

Discover how to flee from fear and fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.

Get all Purposeful Faith blog posts by email – click here.

Break Boundaries and Barriers – With This!

May 23, 2017

purposefulfaith

blessings, Contentment, faith, fear

11 Comments

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you, like me, are bound to love what I’m about to announce…

(Don’t you love all the intrigue?)

But before I divulge the what, let me get on with the questions:
Do you ever long to belong and to be understood?
Do you ever feel alone in your struggle?
Do you ever wonder why you fear the unexpected – and how to manage it?
Do you ever fret you’re not a good enough wife? Or mother?
Do you ever just – worry, worry, worry?
Do you long for better friendships and a more grace-filled life?
Do you dream of living out a creative calling?
Do you hope to truly seize peace and purpose?
Do you want to know what you were created for?
Do you know God has more for you than anxiety?
Do you wonder if prayer really works?

Where do you stand? Did you answer yes to any of these?

For the large part of my life, I answered yes, to well, pretty much every question. I struggled alone, between the 4 walls of my house: trying and failing at multiple ventures, reaching out to women and never following through, hoping for God to bust me into my dream but always doubting my abilities, trembling at what could happen in the future and agonizing my rocky past.

Paralyzed and agonizing, I trembled at the thoughts: I am not enough. I fear failing. I am desperately afraid I’ll waste my life. Women will judge me. Life is a threat. Dark streets and corners are the end of my life.

The list went on and on…

Panic points. That’s what I call them. I had a million and one “panic points” running through my mind, little links of worry, constantly convicting and restricting me. They were chains.

Do you even realize you are chained? Many women don’t. Sometimes we can get so used to living with chains, they start to feel like weighty bracelets, not 50-pound pieces of metal that cut the flow of life from our heart. We fail to see we’re stifled. We can move, but only 50-yards one way or 50-yards the other way…that is all the chain gives.

Yet, metal is no match for one who beat the grave. The nails didn’t determine Jesus’ destiny, and they don’t determine ours either. They may hurt in the moment, but there is freedom in the process, for those willing to seek it. I did and…

I found myself, even though I hadn’t a clue who I was.

I discovered an idea of what God had for me to do,
even though I constantly turned away from everything.

I began to enjoy and thrive in life,
even though I used to hate it.

I embraced risk instead of Christian-cussing at it.

I uncovered a door out.

I opened up new possibilities.

I realized they weren’t too far away.

I altered my perspective slightly and that changed it all.

I believe that can happen to you too.

Do you believe your chains can fall and you can push open that impossible-to-open box, or seemingly inescapable trap door?

Yes, there is always a trap door…

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Cor. 10:13)

Often finding the door, is all about pulling up the carpet that covers your heart. Only then, can you see your heart for what it is. When this happens, your way becomes clear.

What if you found your trap door – to more?

I have an idea for you. You see, I did write the book Fear Fighting, which is a fantastic first step for anyone interested in fighting fear; I highly recommend it if you struggle with any of these things, but this is not what I want to talk about today.

I want to propose to you attend The Journey Together Summit.

Join me, and over 34 fabulous published authors, as we do some fear fighting. We will be talking about everything you care about: mothering, marriage, living with unmet expectations, dealing with an unfair life, building intimacy with your husband, getting clutter-free, letting go of the past, finding your calling and more. With so many topics, and different perspectives on fear, you’ll come with panic points, but you’ll leave with a list of peace checkpoints to guide you on your way to courage, boldness and new found mission.

Don’t miss it! The event goes live June 5-8, but you can sign up today at www.journeytogethersummit.com to watch these 34 video interviews – for free. #JourneyTogetherSummit #Summit #FearFighting

Can’t attend in June? You can still access all the videos post-event with the All Access Pass.

I know the heart, the wisdom and the words spoken during this event will not only free your heart and comfort your soul, but they will provide practical and tactical tips to beat mountain-size fear and worry.

Kelly’s new book, Fear Fighting: Awakening Courage to Overcome Your Fears has been called “A must read,” “Breathtakingly honest” and a “Great Toolbox to Overcome Fear.” Read it today.

Discover how to flee from fear and
fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.

Get all Purposeful Faith blog posts by email – click here.

Also, win a 10 Book Bundle of books if you share this event. Learn more…

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When Change is Hard

May 17, 2017

purposefulfaith

attack, Contentment, control, doubt, fear

1 Comment

Usually, people trip over a specific moment and realize they need change: some wake up in a gutter, others see their mean reflection in a mirror and some can’t handle the monstrous reactions roaring out of their mouth. Usually, there’s something we want to change about ourselves.

What do you want to change?

For me? I want to change my instinct that assumes the worst. It is so frustrating! Because, so often, like a vending machine, what my mind dispenses is: my lack, my inferiority, and ideas on how other people must really think I am failing.

My mind makes me read into things that aren’t even true.

For instance, just the other day, my husband mentioned a friend of ours. How she prays unceasingly, loves her kids well and makes awesome dinners. I took it as a subliminal message from him to me: She rules and Kelly is uncool.

He actually meant none of that. What he meant was what he said: she prays, loves her kids and makes awesome dinners.

“Good for her! That’s fantastic.” If only I said that!

But, I didn’t.

What is it you’re not doing, but wish you were? What is it you believe others think about you?

Today’s message is simple to both you and me: Let’s not hate our trying-to-change moments. Let’s be nice to our self in process. Because life is hard enough and embracing change…well, it’s not always easy. Sure, we have a God who gently shapes us and leads us, but, at times, there are abrupt about-face turnarounds that need to happen or that are happening. Those can hurt.

Change doesn’t always come easy. Whether it’s the decision to stop smoking, swearing, staggering to bed with one too many glasses of wine in you or to simply responding with more care. Any of these things can easily make steady ground – shaky – if you don’t secure yourself in God’s compassion, grace and care.

So, today, let me leave you, fellow friends, people who may be experiencing shifting ground with one verse: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Ps. 103:8

Return to it. Often.

Discover how to flee from fear and fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.
Get all Purposeful Faith blog posts by email – click here.

When you are Kind of Okay

May 9, 2017

purposefulfaith

attack, Contentment, faith, fear

41 Comments

My mind keeps telling me: Kelly, you’re kind of a writer.

Kind of. Those words, again?!!

I am kind of legit.
I have a book, but I still kind of question my writing.
I have another one coming some day in the future, but I kind of wonder if it will be any good?
I have some people who read this blog, but I kind of wonder if they’ll stick around?
I have creativity, but what if it kind of decides it wants to leave me one day?

Even more, I’m kind of a good mom.

I am nice, at times, but I kind of say this a lot, “You all are not listening or doing what I tell you.”
I am trying hard, but the kitchen is kind of a complete disaster zone.
I am kind of trying to keep up with the school calendar, I text moms a lot to see what’s going on.
I am kind of giving my daughter turkey too often in that lunch box.

I am a kind of wife too.
I kind of remember hugs or physical touch.
I kind of meet his needs before my own.
I kind of feel I impress him.

Can I tell you? Kind of stinks, friends. It’s so one foot in, one foot out. It is so hesitant to claim goodness. It’s so constantly wondering if it’s ever going to cross the finish line to peace.

Where are you kind of living?

Where are kind of okay with yourself?

Kind of makes everything temporary, conditional and based on you.
Certainty makes everything eternal, independent and based on God.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (Ps. 40:2)

His rock is right here, in front of us. It calls to us. To you.

We can choose to step out of the mud and mire of thoughts, doubts, wonderings, hypotheses and theories – and make it to firm ground.

Ground where we become certain:

God forgives.
God helps.
God grows us.
God provides faith.
God lights the way.

It is not a gray area. It is not nebulous. It is not done by a God who kind of shows up. No, with God: He does it. 100% he does it. He follows through and all we do is – stand firm on it.

Discover how to flee from fear and fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.
Get all Purposeful Faith blog posts by email – click here.

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How to Believe You are Really Loved

May 5, 2017

purposefulfaith

birth, Contentment, doubt, faith, fear

1 Comment

Post by: Arabah Joy

I remember looking at her.

I remember looking at her. Withdrawn. Held back. Unwilling to join the rest of the family. Unwilling to come.

I beckoned and smiled. Patted my lap. Extended the invitation like I’d done a thousand times before.

She stiffened.

Then, like a thousand times before, she turned away. Scars from past abandonment, neglect, and abuse held her like chains to her chosen spot. She would not come.

In those early days of adoption, it was like God had given a mirror to look in. I saw myself in her. I saw how woundedness had caused me to withdraw, how I braced myself against warmth because I’d believed the lie that I didn’t need it, didn’t deserve it. I convinced myself I could do without love and acceptance. Slowly, the cold I surrounded myself with had seeped deep into my soul and distorted my perspective of life, God, and myself.

I was hard. Jaded. A real cynic but didn’t even know it.

And then I adopted a wounded one.

In doing so, God revealed to me something I’d never allowed the core of my being to truly accept: I was loved.

Surely one of the saddest things ever is to be deeply and lavishly loved but not have the eyes to perceive it.

What a tragedy, to get to the other side of life and see how one could have lived- as a dearly beloved child of God- but having missed it. Adoption taught me there’s such a thing as failure to “lay hold.”

“…So that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.” Phil 3:12

Just as my Little Bit is of our household, never to leave, always identified with us, so we are in Christ. He is our brother, our family, and we are in the household of God. He has reached down and laid hold of you (Phil 3:12) and has taken you from the domain of darkness and abuse and rejection and pain and transferred you into the kingdom of the family- His beloved Son (Col 1).

We can sulk and hold back and piddle in the corner with our little pet toys… or we can reach out with both hands, press forward with all we’ve got, and lay hold of that which has laid hold of us.

I know what rejection is like. I also know the remedy for rejection is acknowledging the acceptance offered in Christ.

The remedy for neglect is embracing the love and warmth extended me in Jesus.

The remedy for abuse is running to the table of fellowship with Him, where I am always welcomed, loved, and nourished back to health.

Hiding out in the corner never did anyone any good … except the enemy who wishes to single us out from the rest in order to devour us.

As a mom, I knew I needed to help my precious one learn to embrace the new, push forward into the warmth, and lay hold. And that meant I needed to practice it myself too.

She and I began a messy, painful, glorious journey together. And last night at the dinner table, my Little Bit came and sat in my lap without being invited. WIN!! She has made such amazing progress in the nine years we’ve had her. I’m so very, very proud of her. I wouldn’t trade the healing we’ve both received for all the world! I’ve come to now how our Daddy feels when we trust Him and lean into His love, when we run to Him expecting to be heard and loved on. How His heart thrills When we assume He is who He says He is. Wow! What a God. What an AMAZING Father.

How about you, my friend? Will you join your sisters in coming out of the corner, putting down our pet emotions, stretching out our hands and opening our arms wide to embrace the grace that has been lavished on us?

You can do this. Together, we can lay hold. Let’s live as those lavishly loved.

Arabah Joy is wife to Jackson, adoptive and biological mom to 4 little ones, and missionary to East Asia. Her adventures span far and wide, from eating pig snouts to giving birth in three different Asian countries. Mostly though, she is a broken woman redeemed by grace. She has written several books including the 40 day devotional, Trust Without Borders. You can find out more and connect with her at ArabahJoy.com.

Ever felt like giving up?

May 2, 2017

purposefulfaith

awe, Contentment, doubt, fear

22 Comments

Ever felt like giving up?

Seriously. Ever felt like calling it quit, throwing in the towel, placing all your cards on the table? However you describe it, this race called life can make even the most seasoned of runners tired. Falling down. Not wanting to get back up again. Panting for water. Sitting roadside, alone.

I got tired today. Not for any good reason. Something just came over me and where I once had energy, I felt must go to bed. And where I had clarity, I felt fuzz. And where I am normally eager, I crawled like a slow turtle. Finally, when I went to my room to sleep, a tear slipped out.

Any one of us could land there any day, couldn’t we?

This race is tiring. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Frankly, we can make our own tomb and lie in it if we aren’t careful. We can pull the shades down, dim the lights and lay our self down for days, letting those slimy lurky dirty feelings hang all around us – if we aren’t careful.

But, in actuality, feelings never save us from tombs. Only the power of God does.

Consider this: 3 days and Jesus rose.

He bust out: He was in darkness, but moved to light. He was down, but never – out.

Now, through Christ we can rise up from what wants to keep us down too.

No one can hold the power of God down.
No one can restrain what the Lord is sending out.
No one’s emotions are too strong for God’s resurrection.

I don’t care what the liar and accuser tells you…

Open your eyes to faith.

It is what gets you out of bed.
It is what helps you take the next step.
It is what makes you say that prayer yet again.
It is what moves mountains.

Press against the very thing that came to hold you down: If tiredness hits you, it is by faith you go outside and run. If the idea you’ll never find the man of your dreams, it is by faith you go to that church singles event. If it is your financial debt that sends you into the dumps, it is by generosity towards your neighbor you find freedom.

Resiliency in Christ Jesus bounces you beyond the very thing the enemy is orchestrating.

You step out of your tomb and see verdant pastures. You see life. Hope. Brilliance. God’s more.

Do you want the spring in your step restored?

Step in. Step out. Go out. Give out. Press into what is pressing into you – and you’ll get somewhere.

—

Discover how to flee from fear and fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.

Get all Purposeful Faith blog posts by email – click here.

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She Let Me Down, Again!

April 19, 2017

purposefulfaith

Contentment, control, doubt, fear

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She let me down. Again. She always does.

Now, it’s as if:

She owes me something.
She’s responsible now to figure out how to console me.
Her actions need to shift for me to ever love her.
Everything needs to change before I can be happy.
I win, as a better person, because she’s always losing.

What shocks me about my above brutally-honest list is – when I look at it, I could have striked all those words and just written: me, me, me! I could have summarized it all up: “You stink, lady, you are not good enough and you better improve or I’ll always live hurt.”

Who made her God? And who made me so reliant she rules my emotions, pride, joy and peace?

When people rule us, we aren’t being ruled by God. It’s a give in. God’s gone – gone.

But you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel. (Heb. 11:22-24)

We have come to Jesus.

Not to a woman who lets us down.
Not to a job we detest.
Not to a boss who favors others.
Not to a child who is completely and utterly defiant.
Not to questions that rule over us.
Not to a spouse who speaks meanly.
Not to a situation that is ruling us.

We have come to God, the Judge, the one who makes us righteous, perfect, to the mediator, to the one who sprinkled grace over our head and declared us as his own.

Man will let us down, God won’t. He’s already lifted us up to seat us with Christ (Eph. 2:6) and, even better, He’s declared the deed, the position for us final by saying, “It is finished. (Jo. 19:30)” And, guess what? It is.

So, who can tie us up to the back of the car and drag us through the gravel? No one.

Who can rip out our voice and tell us it’s worthless? No one.

Who can hurt us time and time again, thereby ruining our soul? No one.

Humbly, we rest under him. Jesus. The one crushed, so we emotionally aren’t. The one beaten so we could beat relational pain through Him. The one mocked, so when we are, we remember He understands, knows and cares for us. The one broken, so we could be healed. The one victorious, who marks us that name alike.

We aren’t the product of a person’s action. Or, maybe we are. We are the product of Jesus’ actions. And, by Him, we are saved from the things that want to take us down.

Discover how to flee from fear and fly in faith through 4 Days to Fearless Challenge.

Get all Purposeful Faith blog posts by email – click here.

7 Ways: From Manic Mode to Peace

April 14, 2017

purposefulfaith

attack, blessings, Contentment, fear, grace

1 Comment

Pots and pans where flung everywhere. I didn’t really know what I was doing, except I knew dinner needed to get on that table, before the two screaming heads even more flipped a lid. Move faster, Kelly.

I tried to maneuver around the crumbs and grease that were splattered everywhere. I tried to manage a deep conversation with my husband while pulling the salmon out of the oven. I threw it on the stove, checked the hardness of the fish (yep…rock-solid, alright) and then proceeded to grabb the handle with my bare hand….Yeee-oww!!!!

I burnt the living-cells right off my palm of my hand.

I’ve decided, in manic-mode, I do dumb things.

I guess you could say this is a theme in my life.

Manic-mode at work: I’d rush so fast, I’d send the “I am so frustrated at my boss” email not to my co-worker two cubes over, but directly to him.

Manic-mode in the car: I pulled out so fast out of school, I crush metal like it’s nobody’s business. Car’s totaled.

Manic-mode with kids: I fear someone is going to fall in the bathroom, so I lean over to shut the door with a baby in hand and her toe gets slammed. It busts wide open. Baby gets stitches at the ER.

My heart longs for manic-mode, sometimes. I don’t know what is wrong with me? It’s like somehow I think I am more productive there, like the hot-flashes of anxiety are going to produce something, like more will get done and somehow I’ll end up being recognized as the shining star mom of the universe. It never happens.

What is it producing? Burnt hands. Angry bosses. Ruined cars. Babies with stitches. Internal frustration. Residual guilt. Kitchens left half cleaned up because I’m either dealing with the likes of insurance agencies, ER rooms or burn marks. FAIL.

What is manic-mode producing in your life? Where do you see it show up? Why do you chase it?

I think I believe if I rush, the loud sounds of my life will hush and I’ll make space for peace. Like, I’ll run to the destination real fast and then I’ll have time left over to chill there. To lay down. It doesn’t work that way, I’m learning.

“My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Ex. 33:14

To make peace, it works much more like this: