This thing, this terrible thing that I have struggled with for years, is something I cannot seem to shake.
So what is a girl to do?
I did what any good church-going gal would do. I signed up for every single bible study, every retreat, and any and every special session. All the things, I believed would help me finally understand why I don’t do what I like, but instead, do what I hate.
Among my friends and acquaintances, I was known for my devotion to the study. The study of that which they believed was an adoration for my God, but in reality was a desperate attempt to finally break free.
Bible Study Sister.
Jesus fan-girl.
Devoted.
Good people.
A Proverbs-31 woman.
I did all the things. The things that were suggested, the things I believed were essential to 1. Freedom. 2. Worthiness.
Yes, I believed I must earn my salvation, and when I finally achieved this worthiness, maybe then I would be able to overcome this thing. The thing, the thing that I cannot seem to get over, that I cannot leave behind.
Perfection evades me. As much as I love order and perfection, I love this … this monster I call my sin.
Mine.
What would I do with my time, with my mind, if not for the sin I tend to?
So back I went to my studies, with my highlighters, fancy pens and markers. The bible bag I carry with all my tools has a fancy cross embroidered on the front. It is decorated with pins asking “what would Jesus do?” But as much as I study, as much as having memorized, I swear.. I do not know.
I did not know what Jesus would do.
And I could not figure out how to be just like Him.
Truth be told, no matter how much I dedicated to the study of my sin, the sin was all I knew. And then a friend brought this to my attention.
I was a classic case of a Christian with a sin god…. continue reading and link up here!!!
