Was my heart going to break? I wasn’t sure, but I surely wasn’t waking up in worship and praise like most days. This day, I woke up pressed against a problem. My mind circled it as if, by treading and stomping around it, I’d knock down its walls.
It wasn’t happening. Overthinking never works that way.
It’s her fault. If only she didn’t rush me like that. If only she took a second to think about where I was coming from. If only she was nicer. If only, I was nicer too, I guess. Why do these things happen to me? Why am I being hit by the enemy the first minute I wake up? It is his fault. I am so frustrated. The enemy is coming after me. He’s stealing this day from me and God!
But was he?
Sometimes we cast on the enemy, what guilt we need to own ourselves. Often, our knotted and torn heart is not anyone’s doing, but ours. Our distance from God, doesn’t belong to opposition, but to us. Even when our insides get turned inside-out, it might not be the devil chasing us down, but God – because He loves us.
The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son. (Heb. 12:6)
God loves us so much, he wants to correct us and help us back along his way.
I didn’t want to say I’m sorry. Not that!!! It’s embarrassing to return back to someone you hardly know and admit that you acted like a buffoon on no sleep, high caffeine and low wisdom. No God, not that!!! Anything but that!
Pride wars against wisdom.
Repentance returns us to it.
I considered this thought, but, still, my “right” side warred. It wanted opinions to rule and self-preservation to guide: Kelly, they weren’t entirely in the right either. Kelly, you’ll look stupid.
A choice presented itself: Will I press on through the day with nagging and gnawing guilt or would I cease and desist, rest and return to God’s path, his insight, instruction and leading?
It’s not always an easy thing to admit your wrong.
What do you need to apologize for? Confess to God? Clear out of the gutters of your mind so you can think straight? So you can get back on God’s path? So, wisdom rather than worry can return?
God says: Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord… (Acts. 3:19)
If refreshment is what repentance gets, I want it. Don’t you?
Maybe you’ve been blaming a husband for his high and mighty ways?
Nitpicking a child for her pre-teen tone of voice?
Coming down hard on yourself for not doing more in life?
Silently cursing a neighbor for her unthoughtful tending of her yard?
Overthinking your life and literally, everything you do?
Criticizing a person’s success and demeaning your own?
Why refreshment might your loving daddy want to walk you to?
I finally decide I want it. So, I get down on my knees and say I am sorry. I crawl, almost on all fours, to the person I hurt and say, I’m sorry. I look not at the devil, I consider not every way he is at fault, I consider, instead, how I am at fault, and I just move. I get where I need to go. I speak it. I take it out of my heart. I send it up to heaven. I hand a peace offering across to them.
And, just like that, the weight is lifted, the treading, stomping and circling ends. My heart beats freely again.
Confession is hard in a moment, but comfort returns right after. Refreshment arrives.
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