I was praying hard. I had others praying hard. I shared. I trusted. I hoped. I dreamed.
So, when I found out that my dreams were not becoming a reality, and that I had been rejected, I felt dejected. God seemed to be opening a door and ushering me through it, but just as quickly as the door opened, he lightly closed it shut right before my eyes. Staring at the wooden door, my heart sunk a little. My chest constricted. Fears welled up inside of me. I could no longer see what was on the other side. That scared me and made me feel unsure. I thought, maybe if I take a couple steps back – get a running lead – I can just slam that door down. I could do it. I could push through. I can make it happen.
Could I? Should I?
When I took a moment to close my eyes, to stop staring at that door, I got a sense of what was underneath my feelings. I was embarrassed. I felt like I had failed. Others knew of my dream and how much I wanted it. I felt ashamed; “Super Kelly” couldn’t do it. I felt like they would see that God didn’t pull through for me. That maybe, I wasn’t good enough.
But as I opened my eyes and focused on that door again, I noticed the wood, the grain, the splinters and most of all I noticed the cross. I saw Jesus – the ultimate reject. The ultimate failure in the eyes of some. He was mocked and scorned. Jesus, like me, had a partially unanswered prayer. He said, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” (Luke 22:42).
Jesus though, despite his pain, was looking for godly gain. Above his need for immediate deliverance, he embraced perseverance. He endured humiliation for the plan of his King – a plan to save us.
Jesus didn’t take the opportunity to exert his godly power and take himself down from the cross. He was faithful. He trusted. He waited. He served others on the cross – even in his pain. He wasn’t knocking down any doors.
He knew the King’s plan and purpose. I can trust this plan too – because it is from him. I don’t need to fear. He has directed my steps to writing and speaking. He has given me his words and his inspiration. He has helped me to encourage others and to change lives. He has given me excitement and passion. He has allowed many publishers be receptive to the message that I want to bring to a world of hurting women through a book. Although this one publisher shut the door – for now – this does not negate his plan.
To know my purpose is a blessing that is unique, special and sometimes unusual. He chose me. That cannot be taken away.
I must remember there is a plan greater than mine, for a purpose bigger than mine, at a time better than mine. Our ways are not his ways.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. Isaiah 55:8
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
Instead of knocking down doors, what am I to do? Pursue, follow through, and renew my strength in the Lord. Faithfully move forward with the other publisher. Build a platform as they want me to do. Speak truth to my soul when I start to feel less than. Know that God is in charge. Understand that he knows what he is doing.
I won’t take my eyes off of that shut door that stands like the cross. It represents all Christ did for me. It stands as an example of how much he loves me. It stands to give me purpose and significance. It stands to bring a message of love to others. It stands to change the world. Jesus didn’t go to these lengths – on that cross – to steal my joy, my dreams and His plan from me. And, he won’t steal yours either.
When we have unanswered prayers, we can choose to trust the one who is sovereign over all or we can choose to live defeated and discouraged. I know which way I will go. How about you?