My body language said much more than those three letters. I stomped around the kitchen huffing and puffing, while making dramatic hand movements as I tried to clean the horribly messy kitchen.
The whole world needs to know right now that I am irritated right now.
My husband looked at me and said, “Oh no, here we go again.” That really irritated me and threw me over the cliff. At this point, I cleaned the messy counters with increasing levels of frustration.
All the while, I hated that I was so flustered. I hated that I was so annoyed.
I hated that I was reactively responding to the fact:
1. I was hungry and hadn’t eaten anything this morning.
2. I had just finished a couple grueling rounds of doing my daughter’s hair.
3. I was already late to get the kids to school and there was still more to do in the house.
All the dominoes had fallen, on me. Now, here I was contending with that feeling I thought I’d beaten: anxiety. I hated myself for feeling this emotion. I thought I was done with this life-sucking feeling that rises in a chest and acts-out like a jerk.
The guilt hit when I got back from the school drop-off. I really dropped the ball this morning. I really let the family down. I really – did it again. God, I am sorry. Forgive me.
5 minutes later: I was still hating myself for it.
10 minutes later: I thought back to it.
15 minutes later: I still was coursing through my mistakes.
So here I am writing a blog post to process through it all, with you. And, I want to process it, because to examine your heart with God, is to heal it – once and for all.
I’m angry at myself. I hate how I do what I’m not meaning to do.
Yet, as I get to the bottom of what is happening in my heart, I can hear God. He practically says:
Like clothes of old, I give-away remembrance of your old mistakes.
I’m in charge of transformation. Just keep connection with me.
Come to me when you’re weary and heavy-laden. I have your rest.
It’s not what you do for me, but what Jesus has already done for you that matters.
You don’t work up repentance to appease me, on the contrary, because of Jesus I’m pleased with you.
Fear not, I am with you and for you, always.
Today’s mistake becomes tomorrow’s learning that delivers your “breakthrough”.
The best part of you falling down is me helping you up, so we can do “it” together.
Because of Christ, I am no longer angry at you.
“For the mountains may move
and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
says the Lord, who has mercy on you.” (Is. 54:10 NLT)